That's a Ray Bradbury, and pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days -- gobbling up great swaths of darkness, and pretty much stuck. Of course, I'm not just standing and breathing, I'm careening from event to event, gasping for air. I'm just not making any headway.
That sounds so depressing, but I don't think I'm depressed. I've been depressed, I remember what it feels like. No, I'm just facing facts. I have too damn much to do and not enough time to do it in, let alone time to enjoy it.
I shouldn't be directing the show I'm directing right now. I can't give it the time and attention it deserves, and I can't back down and stop doing it -- I'm stuck. And the people who are working on the show deserve so much more than what they're getting from me. But we all keep soldiering on, pretending everything's fine, pretending I know what I'm doing, pretending we don't notice how completely inadequate everything I bring to this show really is. The people who know me trust that I know what I'm doing, the people who don't know me trust that I *look* like I know what I'm doing, and none of them realize how badly I'm abusing that trust.
Badger's father is dying, and there's no way I can get to Oregon. I don't have the space in my schedule, I have too many commitments.
I haven't seen Zach for months, or spoken to him in weeks. No time.
Haven't had dinner with Rick & Steve since Thanksgiving, and only see them for "official business" otherwise. No time.
I'm still obligated to my class -- they're emailing me constantly, asking about their final, which I have to give this Friday. I can't *not* talk to them, but where do I find the time to answer them thoughtfully & helpfully? I don't. And when shall I grade their finals? Beats me.
Work? Let's not even go there. Let's just say work is not going out of its way to help me free up my schedule . . ..
No time to spend with the cats or my dog, and they're craving attention so much that on the rare occasions I do have 20 minutes to spend on them, they fight with each other to see who gets me. Or worse yet, they *don't* fight and wander away to sit alone, feeling unloved.
I have a niece & nephew I love dearly, just a few minutes away in the Goshen area, but do I get over to see them? No time.
The house? No time. I haven't even gotten the big plastic ornaments hung in the lilac bush in the front yard -- it would only take 5 minutes to do, but when? And how dare I when there's carpets to be vacuumed and dishes to be washed and dust to be dusted?
And on top of it all, or perhaps because of it all, my body's falling apart. I have a raging toothache I can't shake, despite taking antibiotics the dentist prescribed (yes, I *did* find time for pain). My stomach's in bad shape from the antibiotics. I'm covered in bruises from the dog's enthusiastic greetings, I have a cut on my thumb I keep re-opening, and the nerve damage in my leg (damage that was nearly healed 18 years after the accident that caused it) has begun to regress and I've lost much of the feeling to my right foot. I'm always cold, I can't sleep, and I don't have time to cook a proper meal so I'm surviving on McDonald's and bananas.
I'm not just eating the dark, I'm having it force-fed to me. Intravenously.
Is there an up side? Well, of course there is. It's called Change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes, and this too shall pass. Hopefully before I do
4 comments:
Girl, I am right there with you, and, yes, it will get better. As far as the show goes, I don't think you're letting anyone down. And if you want to talk about someone who feels like they're giving it less than their all, just look over at me. In fact, do that anyway and we'll just nod knowingly. Trust me, though, soon the play will be over, the holidays will be over, the class will be over and then you'll be able to stop and think. Here's me giving you a cyber hug. Buck up little camper. Things will get better.
Oh my dear,
Your words dub you an official wife, mother, teacher, et al. And your latter words show the great wisdom you possess.(It's there, in spite of all that tries to bury it.)
You are a talented writer, director, actor, teacher, and a valued friend to many. You took on a monumental task at a most difficult time, and everyone around you appreciates that beyond words.
I hope that the days since this was written have given you the space and fresh air you need and deserve. Remember: sometimes the heart leads, and the actions follow. Sometimes the actions lead, and the heart follows. Your heart will catch up with your duties, but in the meantime, your talent and know-how will see you and your cast through. Try to trust that in the dark moments.
I have to echo Kathleen here: You're not letting anyone down with the show. In fact, you're saving us all from certain doom and despair. Yeah, I said doom and despair. Hang in there, watch some "Cute with Chris" (because he is) and know that your friends love you and appreciate the hard work you're doing.
I tagged you with this meme.
-Link to the person that tagged you.
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
-Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
-Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
1 - I'm a procrastinator.
2 - I yell at people in traffic.
3 - I bury my anger deep down until I can't hold it in any longer and then explode.
4 - I can hold a grudge for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time.
5 - I've always been sad that my bellybutton is now scarred from the endoscopy I underwent when I couldn't get pregnant because I always thought I had a cute bellybutton before.
6 - I really am a bitch.
I tag Leigh, Jody, Mike, Ed, Rick, and Sherri.
Post a Comment